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A Nasty Surprise

In the 15th Century, an Italian navigator headed west with the intention of discovering a western route to the riches of the Indies, after the imperial expansion of the "Religion of Peace" (trademark) had made the conventional eastern routes... erm... somewhat problematic. Slightly to his surprise, he discovered a number of islands in the Caribbean and, eventually, mainland America. Over the next hundred and fifty years, using various ruses, Britain, France, Spain and Portugal, managed to unload many of their undesirables in this direction until eventually a number of sizeable colonies were established. In the course of time, the Colonists realised that they had been had in a variation of the well-known Korean Knife Fighting Course scam and, in a hissy fit, revolted. After putting up a token resistance, but secretly glad to be rid of them, Britain abandoned a big chunk of it's North American Colonies and left them in the care of Uncle Festus and his banjo playing, tobacco chewing sons and daughters, to let incest take its course. Those of taste and decency kept the northern part of the continent, but allowed the French to hang around so as not to make everyone else too jealous.

Des Res Fixer Upper

With some prompting from various French and British ne'er-do-wells, these former Colonies eventually adopted a Constitution featuring equality and justice for all - unless you happened to be a female, black or a native American Indian...

About this time, Blighty adopted a clever tactic of promising slaves (for they were legion) their freedom and a plot of land, should they fight for the British. The result was mass migration to the British lines (illegal in the eyes of their masters). The heroics of many blacks who fought for the British are now largely untold, on the grounds that they fought on the losing side. Sadly (and in true British form) the promise of land didn't quite deliver, although Officers fought for their freedom. Conditions in London and Novia Scotia (where many ended up) were brutal, leading to a new tactic of shipping many to Sierra Leone.

In the early 1800's (1812) they decided that they would try a land grab, and under the pretext of complaining about deserting sailors getting lifted by the Regulators, decided to invade the decent chaps up north. Having burned a town or two in the middle of winter (obviously they had to burn the 'ville in order to save it), and having been held to a draw by the local TA (the Regular Army were busy with some short dictator who had conquered all of Europe, and was being faced alone by Britain... hold on, where have I heard that before...) and achieved none of the war aims, they claimed to have won and signed an armistice.

The fact that Britain had taken time off from defeating dictators, landed at their capital, given the defenders a kicking, eaten the President's victory banquet, and torched his house so that he had to redecorate in a fetching shade of white had nothing to do with it. The fact that they still teach that it was somehow a victory (or at least a draw) is proof that the White House has had good spin doctors for the past two hundred years. The fact that they thought that the Canadians would welcome them with open arms, and bless them for their liberation from the eeevil empire, is similar proof that the CIA hasn't improved much either.

Seconds out...

In the late 1800's (1861-66) the Northern states decided that the Southern ones were having too much fun (wearing taffeta, whipping black houseboys etc) and decided that from then on that some of their 'property' were now officially people and couldn't be owned. When the South replied 'up yours' the North came down with a big army but ran away when the South squared up to them. 5 years and 600,000+ dead people later the South decided they would release all their slaves ... who promptly struggled to survive/get work in a now shattered nation. Apart from that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

In a nod to the Sappers, apparently Mason and Dixon (they drew a line across the country, must have had a big bag of pencils) were Royal Engineers, and hence founder members of the Topo Squadron. I won't take the piss out of Topo types, the only one I've met was triply scary - an RSM, built like a brick outhouse, and a black belt to boot.

Dishing It Out

Spams are known to be childish, destructive (Friendly Fire eh?), fuelled by a fantasy world of made up Hollywood heroes that reflects to their society as most of the population do their best to match their idols (IE: Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger etc) by collecting and owning as much weapons as they can while waiting to take on "The Threat" to arrive, or joining the US Forces for stupid vanity reasons to be like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, only to end up scrubbing showers and toilets. However the truth is they are very paranoid when someone stands up/does something to them, especially the likes of Jeremy Clarkson. Mentioning hollywood and wrongly supplying thier civilian population with firearms for a strange reason, it must be noted all their movies have the same plot just with different facias. This is done as a domestic act to prevent them turning on each other (IE: Civil War, Prohibition Era, KKK, School Massacres etc) as they are a nation that needs an enemy, even when they are not under any threat whatsoever.

Also, a hundred years or so prior to the above time, the western part of the nation was happily being ignored by the eastern part and its British descendants, eating burritos, speaking Spanish and forcibly baptising the native population courtesy of Mother Spain (and France, depending on the day). Around 1840, gold was discovered in California. The eastern part suddenly developed a hearty interest in bringing this rogue nation into the American fold -- strictly for the cause of freedom and democracy, you understand. Negotiations went on with the usual tact and diplomacy. Some fighting occurred. Papers were signed. The former French/Mexican territories joined the Union. The Republic of Texas is still more or less a holdout, but that's another entry. And this historian is amused to report that, in spite of the best efforts to Anglicize it from the '20s to the present day, large parts of Western America are still genuflecting away, speaking Spanish and dropping multiple sprogs (also see USMC).

The Modern Day

In more recent times, the American contribution to war-fighting has been to throw vast amounts of cash, and quite large numbers of expendable young men, at the problem and then to claim victory afterwards. This failed to work out in Vietnam or Somalia but stood the USA in good stead in WW1, WW2, the Korean War, Gulf War 1 and Gulf War 2: 'This Time It's Personal...'.

It should be noted that the Spams hate being late for a war. Its like turning up at the cinema and finding the movie has already started and you've missed the start. After having been VERY late for WW1, being fairly late for part 2 and having a small part in the early stages of Korea ... the US of A swore it would never be late again (mainly cause the other countries were starting to question its gender orientation). As a result they now demand to start all wars or at least be the major target. Expect all future presidents to declare war and ask questions after the bombs have started falling - this will be known as the GWB amendment to the constitution.

A few Arrser Thoughts:

  • I am so glad that the Americans have won all the wars they fought in (apart from the obvious one they didn't, and the one that they lost but keeping saying that they won).
  • Sadly the US Armed forces still haven't worked out how to train their fighting men not to shoot their Allies.
  • The source of all the best buckshee kit

So to Summarise

Military skill: 0 (Funny, because every single ONE of them is a Sergeant, apparently.( following the McShits/BoogerKing model of management). Also, they give medals for hazing and qualifying on personal weapons. The Magazine-loading decoration (MLD w/ clasp) is particularly nice.
Number of wrecked US cities abandoned by its Government: Many. New Orleans, the entire State of Michigan (esp.Detroit)
Good presidents: FDR, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton
Number of tongues up GWB's ass: 2. Steven Harper and guess whos!
Average IQ: 11 ... even this is a bit of a stretch if you include Rednecks.
Number of guns per home: Enough to arm a platoon due to being diagnosed with Tackleberry Syndrome
Average weight of a citizen: 355lbs
Average calories eaten per citizen per day: Too Feckin Many!
Annual spending on the armed forces: about 650 billion dollars - see skill level for a clue as how they use it.
What they owe the rest of the world: about 10 trillion dollars - $10,000,000,000,000 ... and you think your credit card bill is big!

Any Questions? No? then you all know it's true.

An Americans Reply

You sound bitter since we kicked your arrse out of here some 230 years ago.....And if it wasnt for the Septic blood we spent bailing the rest of Europe out of WWII, you'd all be speaking German. Yrualeg

and a retort ...

... your indignation would be so much more relevant had your nation not supplied weapons to both sides in the early stages of both the world wars AND lets not forget your nations funding of the Provisional IRA who killed UK civilians indiscriminately. However you have a terrorist attack on your soil and funding for the Provos instantly dries up cause you need the UK's support. Funny that.

Also, we wouldn't be speaking German. We'd just be walking around talking loudly and slowly and pointing at things on menus (just like now) except the trains would run on time.

See Also