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Royal Navy

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Horatio Nelson, the ideal

The Royal Navy (RN) is the senior service (or is that 'senile service') of the United Kingdom, its battles were legendary, it was once the most famous fighting force in the world. Many people have heard of Blake, Cook, Nelson, Codrington, and, unfortunatly Turney and Batchelor. Its rep took a pounding when Arthur Batchelor and co decided to perform like seals in Sea World, and it was even worse when Batchelor told the world how he courageously looked away to weep (instead of bawling like a smacked baby in front of the smelly breathed Iranians) when they stole his iPod. But since then it has come a long way, and its now full of proper men [jacks] and women [don't laugh, jennys].

Hearts of Oak and jolly tars to a man, the Royal Navy have been the bulwark of the British Isles for centuries. Hoist the jib, slice the mains'ls, and roll out the barrel. However, some would say the Andrew are nothing more than a saucy ol' gang of uniformed bottom touchers, boasting big boats and long thick tubes full of seamen. Nearly all members are homosexual, and those that aren't are lesbian Wrens. Often seen discharging weapons on B-range, too much exposure to the Royal Navy can lead to bum disease.

Many would say that this is nothing more than vile slander, that dates back to the admitted tendency of an older generation of Matelots to knob Ktois, He-Shes, and Lady-Boys in Singers back in the day. However: see here.

The modern RN are bronzed, suave purveyors of staunchly hetero pork sword to the less aesthetically blessed ladies in the furthest corners of the globe. Unfortunately, the RN have the wankest service newspaper out: Navy News.

Also known as the Senior Service, to distinguish it from Johnny-come-lately British Army regiments like the First of Foot or the Royal Monmouthshire Yeomanry. These apparently 'elder' Army units trace their unbroken lineage back into the mists of time; or the XVIth Century at least; when the Royal Navy had been already been successfully subduing foreigners for about 700 years!

The Royal Navy traces its origins to King Alfred, which is perhaps a little optimistic. The Crown has maintained a permanent fleet since the reign of Henry VII, but a concrete date would be the establishment of the Navy Board by his son, Henry VIII in 1546. The navy declared for Parliament in the Civil War, but this is conveniently forgotten, because when the monarchy was restored, it inherited from the Commonwealth a fleet that had been built up to three times its pre-Civil War size.

That said, former WO equivalents from the 'Andrew' are not allowed to serve as Yeoman Warders of the Tower or Guard, as they mutiny too often for comfort, and thus cannot be trusted to keep Liz and her Crown Jewels safe from harm.

Within the Royal Navy, and complimenting its seaborne war-fighting capabilities, are the men of the Royal Marines. Their service to the Crown has been so ubiquitous that their cap badge consists simply of a Globe and Laurel, signifying that the Royal Marines have won victories in every part of the world. And are nails!

Sadly, because much of what the Royal Navy do takes place out on the wild grey whale's path, compounded by an undecipherable naval slang called jack speak, Army knowledge and understanding of the Senior Service is limited.

Much of what the Navy do is a mystery to the green jobs, as they have an unfortunate tendency to go a matching colour to their Norgie tops approx two minutes after leaving harbour. This is usually followed by many offerings to Neptune over the side of the ship. In view of this, the following link might help: Royal Navy.

HMS Monmouth (due to carrying the black ensign) is no longer allowed to lead a fleet into battle. The Naval Fleet, as vast as it is, will be compounded by adding the new Type 45 Destroyer. Britain can only regret this not being allowed to play a role in the Ashes series of 2013/14, as apparently, it's capable of tracking and destroying one thousand cricket balls at a time, which may come in handy if Britain ever goes to war with Mitchell Johnson or Shane Warne.

The Royal Navy is also due to take possession of two Queen Elizabeth Aircraft Carriers soon, these vessels are so large that the entire population of the world could fit on the deck, which may be useful, as the aircraft are so overdue, the British MOD is wondering if they've been duped; media reports suggest the only thing likely to fly off these decks will be seagulls. The MOD have strongly refuted the suggestion that one will immediately become an artificial reef off Bournemouth, or that one will be used by Downing Street to house Scots POW's after their coming war of independence.

Royal Navy medals and awards
Honours, Awards, and Decorations
HonoursGallantry AwardsCampaign MedalsRoyal Navy AwardsArmy AwardsRoyal Air Force AwardsTA AwardsForeign Awards