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Gordon Brown

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Who is Gordon Brown

FORMERLY (thank fcuk), the (worst ever) Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (2007 to 2010).

Gordon Brooooon, also known as the one-eyed Jock and Cyclops, is a humourless, dour, scruffy, anally retentive control freak, intent on totally fcuking up the UK, whose idea of a good night out is.... well... who the fcuk knows?

The mastermind behind the Inland Revenue's stealth taxation campaign where Income Tax stays steady, but every other tax (i.e. VAT, Road Tax, Council Tax, Green Tax, fuel duty, energy tax, alcohol duty, Inheritance Tax, Capital Gains Tax, parking fines, speeding fines, tobacco duty, the future bin collection charge, fines for not recycling, the phone tax, wanking tax, etc.) slips slowly upward. Quelle surprise! Actually, VAT dropped to from 17.5% to 15% (temporarily due to him fecking up the Great British economy, returned to 17.5% in January 2010), making everybody's mental maths much easier. But one should never let the truth get in the way of a good story, as Morgan-Stanley predicted VAT to rise to 20% in late 2010, due to the maahoosive Cyclops-created debt mountain. Also, 20% was planned for 2009, but would have been political suicide pre-election, so let's not kid ourselves.

How does he think


Gordon Brown was one of the main protagonists / enthusiasts for Scottish devolution, when the Labour Party was looking for ways to stymie the SNP and grab the last few votes. Since devolution, the expected backlash from the English in respect of the West Lothian Question has created pressure to allow the Scottish full independence, or (alternatively) redress the spectacular inequalities this introduced by disallowing Scottish MPs from voting on matters in the Commons that effect English voters only. The mere thought of this now has Gordy sweating like a...

In light of the problems this may cause for his premiership of the UK (he is a Scottish MP), he had back-pedalling furiously, and had now evolved (a very loose term for his kind) into a fully fledged Unionist. He also started to express a wish for England to win the World Cup, even to the point of beating Scotland. Too little too late as far as English voters are concerned, AND a total traitor as far as the Scots are concerned. Oddly, without Scottish Labour MPs, the Conservatives were guaranteed to win the next election.

Gordys timeline to the top

After control of the Labour Party was carved up by Gordon Brown and Tony Blair in the wake of the death of John Smith, Brown was promised the top job by Tony Bliar (the clue is in the name) as soon as he quit. The problem was TCB showed no sign of going, and Brown required to take action... he started secret briefing against his old mucker:

  • October 2006. Thirty more sleaze allegations for Labour, twenty more incompetences revealed... and he's STILL waiting
  • December 2006. Cash for Honours, BAE's Saudi bribe investigation mysteriously cancelled etc... and he's STILL waiting
  • January 2007. Cash for Honours creeps closer to Tone, BAE's South African bribe investigation ... And on it goes!

Finally the PM as of 28 June 2007. Gordy had got sick of waiting for one of the sleaze allegations to get TCB out of the top job, and instigated a backbench revolt that forced Tone to name the day, as he was showing about as much likelihood to quit the PM job as the Western Front showed movement in 1916.

There were those who were hailing it as a new chapter in the New Labour odyssey; forgetting that this cnut had been 2IC for a decade, and was thus just as culpable as the Celestial Navigator! His first one hundred days in power were of quiet competence. Floods were dealt with. Terrorism was slapped about, the Pound was strong, and interest rates were steady. And then it all started to go wrong...


As of late 2007 / beginning of 2008, Gordy seemed to be wearing butter coated gloves. With the Northern Rock nationalisation fiasco, repeated revelations of funding crises in the Ministry of Defence, the Civil Service repeatedly losing data discs / laptops containing info on millions of us peasants, removal of the 10p tax level hitting the poorest in the country, credit crisis, house prices started to fall and the down turn in the economy... it looks like Gordy is well up shit creek. It didn't help that Broon has started to vanish when decisions required to be made, adding to his reputation as a ditherer when he doesn't have total control.

Less than a year after taking office, Gordon Brown delivered Labour's worst election result (Council / London Mayoral elections, May 2008) for 40 years. This perfect storm caused by Broon also swept up Ken Livingstone and lost him the mayorship. All in all, a butt fcuking comparable to the total humping John Major's government received in the 1995 Council elections.

Less than a month later, the Crewe and Nantwich by-election arrived as a result of the death of the very popular Labour MP Gwyneth Dunwoody. A rather nasty and negative campaign by Labour saw a 17.6% swing to the Tories, thus resulting in the first Tory by-election victory since 1982! Given how panicy MPs get, Gordy's coat then appeared to be on a very shoogly nail indeed.

Oh but there's more!

On 25 July 2008, in the Glasgow East by-election, Broons coat has been trampled and abused like a red headed stepchild in an Austrian dungeon, and the nail is in therapy, and across Scotland. all that can be heard is the sly chuckle of Alex Salmond... as the SNP bitchslap Labour in one of their safest seats!

All Gordy could do then (as he drowned in his shit storm) is keep firing out his catchphrase to the media, that he's "..listening and he feels our pain", even if... technically... he's getting the taxpayer to fund his new kitchen, Sky subscription, and cheesy nibbles! There were also rumours continuing to pop up detailing Gordy throwing sulks and random rages for no reason; not exactly Churchillian statesman-like behaviour. Even the revelation that three muslims threatened to assassinate Gordy, and Tony Blair didn't garner any support... if anything, the muslims got the support and sympathy since most of us would love to top the tax mad, micromanaging, politically incorrect cnuts.

Flash Gordon

Finally we got some honesty out of this lying cnut. During Prime Ministers' question time, Gordon said (after Tory leader David Cameron challenged Mr Brown on his "failure" to get bank lending going again, despite pumping in billion of pounds of public money) "We not only saved the world... ". He meant to say saved the banks, but quite frankly, the man is a megalomaniac, and this is exactly how he thinks: he is saving the world. So in honour of only having a few hours to save the world (just like Flash Gordon)... the PM was then called Crash Gordon.

He started claiming that he saw the economic problems affecting the UK starting to develop 10 years ago, yet didn't feel the need to do anything about it. He has also (rather embarrassingly) started running after Barack Obama (the new Prez of Spamland) like a love sick teenager. Barak, showing some good sense, has given this plague of locusts the body swerve. Wish we could!


In the expenses scandal that engulfed Westminster when a disc with all the MP's UNEDITED expense claims was released by the Daily Telegraph, Gordy did kind of escape comment. Yes, he had some dodgy flat cleaning bills, and it seemed he had flipped his homes as soon as Tone had promised to get the feck out of No 10, but in the main he seemed fairly blameless. He didn't get to capitalise on this much as almost immediately we were into.

Its all gone a bit Pete Tong

In the June 2009 local elections for 34 councils, the Labour vote dropped to about 9%. The Conservatives took about 67% of the seats, and controlled almost all the councils. This corresponded with five ministers resigning, a reshuffle that looked more like desperation, and allegations that Broon was a misogynist.

Finally lost all his few marbles, as he seems to think money now grows on trees, as UK debt is increasing at 20 million Pounds an hour, with no sign of the spend, spend, spend ever ending.

I guess the cat of quiet competency was well and truly out of the bag.

Now its serious

Now the ARRSE fraternity have pretty consistent views about Brown (with the exception of Ashie who is in fact Browns' love child)... but on 08 November 2009, McDoom plumbed a new depth on Remembrance Sunday when the ignorant [email protected] couldnt be bothered to bow his head at the Cenotaph.

The keys to the Outrage Bus are on the nail in MDN's outside toilet if anyone's interested.

End game?

In July 2009, Gordy was regularly being shafted by all and sundry; be it his own party, CGS, or the media. The only thing between him and a well placed set of cutlery in the back is Peter Mandelson (and he's not a man you want behind you!). The end was not long coming, as more and more of the lofty towers Broon constructed on PFI and / or billions of borrowed or printed money come tumbling down.

Slow-motion termination

The end of Broon finally arrived in the form of the 6 May 2010 general election. Yes, he hung on till the last possible second.

After a poor campaign where Brown...

  • insulted a lifelong Labour supporter by calling her a bigot on a live mike which he had forgotten about;
  • came a poor third in all three televised leaders debates;
  • tried to stage manage every event he attended so looking out of touch and isolated;
  • actually tried to campaign on his handling of the economy!!!!

... It was finally over for Brown when Labour counted heads and found it had lost 95 seats.

Parliament was hung, but with the Lib Dems not seeming interested in an alliance with Broon, the dynamics of any coalition being in the Conservatives favour, and the fact that Labour members are privately blaming brown for the fiasco; it looked like the worst PM since Lord North has almost come to the end of his reign.

Finally fucked off 11th May 2010, after he tried a kamikaze resignation, to heave a spanner in the Lib-Con negotiations. In scenes reminiscent of the death of Sauron when the news became known, all over the UK, bunting flew, bonfires were lit and Guardianistas hung themselves from their AGA ovens.

There is a lyrical opinion here.