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Erotic Dancer

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Male or female employed to dance in a sexually provocative manner usually dressed in the absolute minimum of material, i.e. not enough material to cover Barbie's modesty let alone a fully grown adult. For the purposes of the below, please assume all erotic dancers are female ... cause I'm not writing anything about blokes wiggling their tackle - see the ARRSE-Maidens for the other sides views.

Erotic Dancing has many techniques:

Slapper holding a pole
  • Pole Dancing: A young (or indeed not so young), minimally dressed woman will grab a vertical metal pole and writhe around it while hanging on. A talented young woman will give you serious wood in your trousers with her act while your standard flabby-thighed chavette just makes you wonder why the friction doesn't make her fake tan come off. Not to be confused with Poles dancing. The disappointment on the faces of a room-full of squaddies, expecting some lithe lovely, and (in reality) getting a Polish folk troupe is palpable.
  • Lap Dancing: The erotic dancer will perform her dance exactly 1" away from your body (except in your lap where she will remain the length of your willy + 1" away from you - figures insisted on by a government Health and Safety at Work review). Touching the dancer (with any part of your body) will get you a serious massaging from the large gorilla like humanoid in a suit standing near the door. Not to be confused with Laps dancing. The disappointment on the faces of a room-full of squaddies, expecting some lithe lovely, and (in reality) getting a folk troupe from Lapland is palpable.
  • Stripper: The dancer arrives fully dressed in clothing likely to interest the audience, i.e. dressed like a Police Woman, Nurse, RSM or Royal Marine Commando in his best frock. She then takes the clothing off in time to music. At some point the audience will decide that just too much has come off for comfort and will return to their game of dominoes.
  • S&M Dancer: Notable in depraved places like California or Hamburg where the dancing is less in evidence than the S&M part usually using bottles, whips, nipple clamps and ballgags... but all done in an artistic way you understand, otherwise it would just be porn! Not to be confused with Marks & Spencer.
  • Irish Country Dancing: This would be a lot ruder if they hadn't lost the instructions for what the dancers should be doing with their hands. As a result gorgeous Irish Coleens jiggle up and down with their arms hanging limply by their sides. Oh the waste!